The End Is Near...Or So It Seems...

8:04 pm. What is up with this thing? I have to click on the word "Title" to get the cursor on the title box...simply clicking on the box won't do. That's pretty dumb. I do like the autosave thing though. I know on my main blog I've lost a lot of posts because I accidentally moved away from the page. There's this mysterious combination of keys on the keyboard that I seem to hit by accident often and it makes my page go somewhere...I don't know what that combination is and yet I seem to hit it a lot. I can't remember where I left off with my news about Dillan before and I don't care much to check. I'm not much in the mood as my computer speed is being quite disgustingly slow. Especially with the MSN Spaces. They really should fix the loading speed problem. It's not just my computer, it's everyone! Anyways, I don't know what I'm going to do about Dillan. I do love him but it's one of those loves that will never work. The ones where you're in love but you really don't get along that well and you might as well be doomed. We don't really agree on a lot of things. And he said that we do have a lot of things in common, but when I asked "like what?" he didn't have that much to say and changed the topic rather quickly. But that was like months ago. These days just getting him to have a simple conversation with me is hard enough without serious discussions. Yesterday I was pretty pissed off because he comes back from a long absence the day before yesterday and is all like oh sorry, I missed you, I never stopped thinking about you...blah blah blah..Then yesterday he didn't even try to talk to me. So when his new guild master kept killing me in pvp I was pretty dam pissed off. I pmed him and said "Tell your guild master to fuck off." "what did he do?" "repeated killing." "you?" "No, my mom." I know it was a stupid retort but I was pissed off. Then he says "wow" and I know a "wow" from him is not a good thing. It means he thinks something is stupid or unreasonable. Anyways he's like "Wow, okay I'm off. Bye." "Bye." That was it. Yea thanks for caring that I was in a pissy mood. That's just what he does whenever things get tough. Run away. Get away. Why doesn't he ever make an effort to just try and figure things out with me. It's like he never even wants to try with me. He doesn't want to TALK to me. So all yesterday and this morning I was in a pretty sad mood. Thinking: "God there's no way he really loves me. The way he acts. He doesn't have one thought about me during the day. There's nothing in him that wishes he could talk to me or interact with me in anyway. Wait, I mean interact with me in any way other than sex. I really love him but there's no way he cares about me at all." Then in the late afternoon I finally get on. There's a message from him saying "I'm guessing you're pretty mad at me. Talk to me if you feel like it." I stared at the message for a while. He was still online. But I wasn't sure if I wanted to talk to him. But the message was more than I expected. I was expecting that he wouldn't give a shit and that he wouldn't even try and talk with me and leave me to boil in my own anger like so. I didn't talk to him right away. I did some other stuff, talked with some other people. I would have liked chris (not itsumo) to be on but he wasn't. He was gone camping. So after a little bit I said hey. He said hi. I didn't know what else to say so I didn't say anything... He says "Are you there?" "yea" Then he goes on asking me if I'm mad. I say no. It's not a lie, I wasn't angry then anymore, more like sad and disappointed. He tells me he loves me, and asks me if I love him. After all those thoughts I had, I wasn't sure if I should answer a positive to that question anymore. When I didn't answer he gave me a sad face. I didn't feel like actually saying "I do love you" then so I just said "yes" He smiled at that. I didn't say anything further. He asks me if I'm sure I'm not mad. I say yes, he says "It seems like you're mad" I don't say anything to that and he goes on to tell me the stuff I already know, that he was hurt by me snapping at him for a simple question. But he didn't understand that that wasn't what I was upset about. No, it was the fact that he didn't care enough to find out why I would be THAT mad about such a little thing, he didn't care enough to try and solve things. He just ran away from the problem. Before he could get far into his explanation I cut him off by saying "I'm not mad" That didn't stop him though. He went on to keep saying and explain. But his explanation was really something I didn't want to hear then. After a long pause I said "Why do you still love me after all this and through all this time?" He said "Why? Because I do love you. And love isn't something to be crushed so easily." I suppose the way he thinks about love and romance is one of the things that attract me most to him. That's a lot like the way I feel. And he feels like he has to protect me because I'm so delicate and fragile...I love that. That's how I always have my little fantasies. His romantic side is what made all this begin...But now I'm seeing very little of that side. He used to tell me such sweet things every day. But now I have troubles even getting him to say hi. Anyways, after he said that he said that he had to go do something for a while and he'll "bbl love. I love you" I didn't tell him I loved him. I just said "okay.." I was rather disappointed that he'd leave in the middle of a conversation like THAT. But I guess I know how it feels to be kicked off the comp when the timing's wrong...But really, he's been getting off because he "has to do something" so much lately, I'm getting rather sick of that excuse. I don't really want to hear his excuses any more. Even when his excuses do no apply, he doesn't make an effort. So why am I trying at all? I don't think our "love" is going to last much longer. Not the way this is going. And I find that although all this time I've been after Dillan and being in love with him...I've fell in love with someone else without really realizing it. But when Dillan's around or not around. All I feel is disappointment. Not much else. But when Christopher (M) is away from me I definitely feel lonely and feel like a part of me is missing. And when he does return to my side I definitely feel so much happier. Chris has never made me feel sad or disappointed. He's never hurt me. I've never had a cause to be angry at him, and he's never really been angry at me. There WAS this one time he got kinda mad at me. But even then he controlled the situation because he knew I was very distracted and distraught with something else. And after it was all over he confronted me in a very kind and gentle way about it. I love his composure and calmness. Whenever I'm upset I only need to talk to him for about five minutes and I feel so much better. He just has that effect on me...And I'm sure he's noticed that I've become a lot more attached to him lately and he probably suspects that I like him. But I know that he probably will never think of me in the same way. He's so popular with so many other girls. But when I think about it. He's exactly like me. I've asked him if he's ever had a girlfriend and he said no. I asked why and he said he was too shy to approach them or be himself around them. I'm sure if he wasn't shy he'd have had tons of girlfriends. He attracts them well enough on silkroad. But yea, he's exactly like me. I'm too shy and I'll probably never have a boyfriend. But online, I get through my shyness and boys flock to me. Like girls flock to Chris. Chris never forgets me though. Even when he's doing something else with other people (other GIRLS) he never ignores me. If I happen to come into the situation, he includes me right away. Just the same as I would with him. He's my best friend. Though I've never heard him call me so in return. But when I do proclaim to other people that he's my best friend, he always smiles at it and seems really pleased with it. But I have no way of knowing if I'm anything more than all those other girls he has around. If I'm lucky that's the way he feels about me. Unsure if I'm serious with him or not...I know it's pretty bad of me to be going on like that about Chris when my problems with Dillan still preside. But really... I don't see a hope that our love is going to last much longer. I see an end coming...8:47 pm and signing off.