Get Over It

2:01 pm. Okay the library's been taken over by a grade 8 class. I hate it when classes come here. They're so loud. Not helping the headache much. Last entry I said I saw an end coming and yea it did. He didn't call it an end. I'll explain from the beginning. You know how I'm lik e, it's like I'm never happy with just normal situations. And yes it really appears that I didn't learn anything from my previous lessons. But apparently that's just the way I am. So I just kept getting mad at him for the littlest things. But it wasn't reall all me. He was convinced that I couldn't take his "jokes" which weren't that funny but rather insulting. I've had hims explode at me for a sarcastic or completely unserious remark as well. So what's his problem, getting mad at something that he does as well. So anyways, he said that he wanted a break from it. That we should be just really good friends for while. Well apparently, his idea of "really good friends" is not talking to me and hardly even wanting to talk to me when I start a conversation. So I just decided not to try any more. I've been brooding a lot about this. Thorooughly unhappy about the whole situation. But lately I'm just getting over it. Like, if he doesn't want to take the time to just care anymore then I'm done caring about him. Everything he said before, he was just trying to live up to it when he said that he'll still care and be friends with me. The reality is that he doesn't want to admit either to me or himself that what he said before isn't going to work out. That rather takes away any respect or esteem I could have held for him before. And his idea of really good friends is not at all appealing to me, and anyone who could call that "really good friends" is just in need of some help. Anyways, his stupid little jokes about doing stuff with other girls is just annoying. Like as if he just enjoys the effect he has by making people jealous. That just shows me that he's the kind of person who would cheat on his girlfriend. Anyways, so that's how things stand. I asked him if this "break" would ever end and he said it would but I don't believe him and I'm moving on. I refuse to just stand around and wait. I've done that enough for other people and I am not prepared to do it again. Family situation, my sister's been bugging me a lot lately. She doesn't do anything and whenever my parents talk to her about going out into the real world and getting a job or going back to school, she just breaks down and cries. Every single time. I'm really sick of watching her act like a complete baby and not doing anything but just play mmorpg games. She doesn't even have the thought that if she's not doing anything but staying at home, that she owes it to our parents to help out around the house and do some things. But no, the idea doesn't even occur to her. When my parents ask her to do something she just complains about having to do it. And she is so thoughtless in everything that she does. Like coupld days ago, my mom came home with fast food for dinner. And she just stands there, watching me take things out of the bad and opening the boxes. She should have been getting the plates or cups or even just moving the napkins to the table or something. But no, she just stands there like a dumb statue, staring at me. As soon as I'm done, she starts grabbing one and eating, leaving me to go get the plates and cups and napkins. And like two days ago, I came home from school. I walked the way so I came to the front door, and I knew she was home so I just rang the door bell. I get the mail out of the mail box and wait. She doesn't come down. I ring again and she still doesn't come down. So I had to go around to the garage and get in through there. It's not a big deal to do that, but what is the big deal is that she couldn't even bother to get up from her stupid chair. I get in and enter her room because I wondered if my mom took her out somewhere. No, she's sitting there playing her game. I ask her why the heck she didn't answer the door and she says defiantly, "I was running, if I stopped I would have died!" That just made me really angry. I am so sick and tired of watching her play her games. Yes, I know what it is like to be addicted to those games. I was addicted to it for a year and a half. But learning how to move away from it and practice will power over yourself and getting out in life...it's more important than your character dying in some game. She started the whol video game craze at the same time as me and she's still going strong on it. And she had WAY more time to play on it than me because she doesn't do anything BUT play that game all day. Finally yesterday my mom got her to hand out her resumes to hiring stores. But I will not stop being angry with her because of how she wasted over a year of her life like that and at our family's expense too. I'm also really angry with my parents. They treat us so differently I'm sick of it. When I was suffering from serious internal struggles and depression, my mom showed me no sympathy at all. She shouted at me, she hit me, she told me to get out of the house and told me that we would go to the police to officially disown me if I didn't smarten up. But now when my sister goes through her depression, my parents pamper her and leave her for a whole fucking year. Doesn't even shout at her either. The injustice of this really makes me mad and hinders me from showing her any sympathy at all. I know very well what it's like to go through those struggles. But I wasn't offered any consolement or pampering and I had to bear through the thing myself, and made it through with my will. Her lack of action just makes me sick. 2:38 pm and signing off.

The End Is Near...Or So It Seems...

8:04 pm. What is up with this thing? I have to click on the word "Title" to get the cursor on the title box...simply clicking on the box won't do. That's pretty dumb. I do like the autosave thing though. I know on my main blog I've lost a lot of posts because I accidentally moved away from the page. There's this mysterious combination of keys on the keyboard that I seem to hit by accident often and it makes my page go somewhere...I don't know what that combination is and yet I seem to hit it a lot. I can't remember where I left off with my news about Dillan before and I don't care much to check. I'm not much in the mood as my computer speed is being quite disgustingly slow. Especially with the MSN Spaces. They really should fix the loading speed problem. It's not just my computer, it's everyone! Anyways, I don't know what I'm going to do about Dillan. I do love him but it's one of those loves that will never work. The ones where you're in love but you really don't get along that well and you might as well be doomed. We don't really agree on a lot of things. And he said that we do have a lot of things in common, but when I asked "like what?" he didn't have that much to say and changed the topic rather quickly. But that was like months ago. These days just getting him to have a simple conversation with me is hard enough without serious discussions. Yesterday I was pretty pissed off because he comes back from a long absence the day before yesterday and is all like oh sorry, I missed you, I never stopped thinking about you...blah blah blah..Then yesterday he didn't even try to talk to me. So when his new guild master kept killing me in pvp I was pretty dam pissed off. I pmed him and said "Tell your guild master to fuck off." "what did he do?" "repeated killing." "you?" "No, my mom." I know it was a stupid retort but I was pissed off. Then he says "wow" and I know a "wow" from him is not a good thing. It means he thinks something is stupid or unreasonable. Anyways he's like "Wow, okay I'm off. Bye." "Bye." That was it. Yea thanks for caring that I was in a pissy mood. That's just what he does whenever things get tough. Run away. Get away. Why doesn't he ever make an effort to just try and figure things out with me. It's like he never even wants to try with me. He doesn't want to TALK to me. So all yesterday and this morning I was in a pretty sad mood. Thinking: "God there's no way he really loves me. The way he acts. He doesn't have one thought about me during the day. There's nothing in him that wishes he could talk to me or interact with me in anyway. Wait, I mean interact with me in any way other than sex. I really love him but there's no way he cares about me at all." Then in the late afternoon I finally get on. There's a message from him saying "I'm guessing you're pretty mad at me. Talk to me if you feel like it." I stared at the message for a while. He was still online. But I wasn't sure if I wanted to talk to him. But the message was more than I expected. I was expecting that he wouldn't give a shit and that he wouldn't even try and talk with me and leave me to boil in my own anger like so. I didn't talk to him right away. I did some other stuff, talked with some other people. I would have liked chris (not itsumo) to be on but he wasn't. He was gone camping. So after a little bit I said hey. He said hi. I didn't know what else to say so I didn't say anything... He says "Are you there?" "yea" Then he goes on asking me if I'm mad. I say no. It's not a lie, I wasn't angry then anymore, more like sad and disappointed. He tells me he loves me, and asks me if I love him. After all those thoughts I had, I wasn't sure if I should answer a positive to that question anymore. When I didn't answer he gave me a sad face. I didn't feel like actually saying "I do love you" then so I just said "yes" He smiled at that. I didn't say anything further. He asks me if I'm sure I'm not mad. I say yes, he says "It seems like you're mad" I don't say anything to that and he goes on to tell me the stuff I already know, that he was hurt by me snapping at him for a simple question. But he didn't understand that that wasn't what I was upset about. No, it was the fact that he didn't care enough to find out why I would be THAT mad about such a little thing, he didn't care enough to try and solve things. He just ran away from the problem. Before he could get far into his explanation I cut him off by saying "I'm not mad" That didn't stop him though. He went on to keep saying and explain. But his explanation was really something I didn't want to hear then. After a long pause I said "Why do you still love me after all this and through all this time?" He said "Why? Because I do love you. And love isn't something to be crushed so easily." I suppose the way he thinks about love and romance is one of the things that attract me most to him. That's a lot like the way I feel. And he feels like he has to protect me because I'm so delicate and fragile...I love that. That's how I always have my little fantasies. His romantic side is what made all this begin...But now I'm seeing very little of that side. He used to tell me such sweet things every day. But now I have troubles even getting him to say hi. Anyways, after he said that he said that he had to go do something for a while and he'll "bbl love. I love you" I didn't tell him I loved him. I just said "okay.." I was rather disappointed that he'd leave in the middle of a conversation like THAT. But I guess I know how it feels to be kicked off the comp when the timing's wrong...But really, he's been getting off because he "has to do something" so much lately, I'm getting rather sick of that excuse. I don't really want to hear his excuses any more. Even when his excuses do no apply, he doesn't make an effort. So why am I trying at all? I don't think our "love" is going to last much longer. Not the way this is going. And I find that although all this time I've been after Dillan and being in love with him...I've fell in love with someone else without really realizing it. But when Dillan's around or not around. All I feel is disappointment. Not much else. But when Christopher (M) is away from me I definitely feel lonely and feel like a part of me is missing. And when he does return to my side I definitely feel so much happier. Chris has never made me feel sad or disappointed. He's never hurt me. I've never had a cause to be angry at him, and he's never really been angry at me. There WAS this one time he got kinda mad at me. But even then he controlled the situation because he knew I was very distracted and distraught with something else. And after it was all over he confronted me in a very kind and gentle way about it. I love his composure and calmness. Whenever I'm upset I only need to talk to him for about five minutes and I feel so much better. He just has that effect on me...And I'm sure he's noticed that I've become a lot more attached to him lately and he probably suspects that I like him. But I know that he probably will never think of me in the same way. He's so popular with so many other girls. But when I think about it. He's exactly like me. I've asked him if he's ever had a girlfriend and he said no. I asked why and he said he was too shy to approach them or be himself around them. I'm sure if he wasn't shy he'd have had tons of girlfriends. He attracts them well enough on silkroad. But yea, he's exactly like me. I'm too shy and I'll probably never have a boyfriend. But online, I get through my shyness and boys flock to me. Like girls flock to Chris. Chris never forgets me though. Even when he's doing something else with other people (other GIRLS) he never ignores me. If I happen to come into the situation, he includes me right away. Just the same as I would with him. He's my best friend. Though I've never heard him call me so in return. But when I do proclaim to other people that he's my best friend, he always smiles at it and seems really pleased with it. But I have no way of knowing if I'm anything more than all those other girls he has around. If I'm lucky that's the way he feels about me. Unsure if I'm serious with him or not...I know it's pretty bad of me to be going on like that about Chris when my problems with Dillan still preside. But really... I don't see a hope that our love is going to last much longer. I see an end coming...8:47 pm and signing off.

I Love You Video by Itsumo

haha this is a video by Chris (ItsumoG0D) He's pretty cute and from what I've seen of him so far, he's a really nice and sweet guy.

Now or Never?

1:25 pm. I haven't posted in a while I know. That's one line you're sure to be hearing a lot. I can hardly keep my main updated, let alone this desolate private one. Situation with Dillan? We had a lot more fights. He even drove me once to the point of anger where that cold heat just rose up and blinded my eyes. When I get really mad that's seriously how I get. My eyes start to get those little white spots in it like as if I've been staring into a light. And my face and ears feel hot yet icy cold...It's kinda freaky and scary but that's my little temper problem. And I got so mad that I told him never to talk to me again. He said fine, he shouted and shouted and said he wouldn't. For about three weeks that's exactly how it was. I started to forget about him...Then all of the sudden I remembered him and his love. His tender and caring words of the past. I just started being in love with him all over again over those old memories. I cried so much thinking about how I lost him and I let him go...Then it was as if somehow the heavens sent him some kind of impulse or instinct. The very next day he talked to me saying he missed me. Saying he was sorry...He talked to me about how bad he felt and how much it hurt him when I told him never to talk to me again. He told me about how much he loved me and missed me. Truthfully, I was a bit skeptical. If this is the way he really feels about me, then why did he not even bother for like 3 weeks? But hearing him say that he loves me again, just having him felt so good. I just let him back in. And that first day, as good as it was, I still had a bit of skeptism. Like what was to guarentee that he wouldn't just go right back to what he was doing before: leaving me to sit there for day after day just waiting for him. I was afraid of that again. For 3 days or so everything was perfect he didn't do that again. But that didn't make me put my guard down. I know that he always is okay for about 2 or 3 days. And my fears proved right. He did go back to leaving me there...For two days. Only my fears appeared to have been for nothing. He came back after two days saying sorry he left me for so long, but that he had been helping his dad out painting and rebuilding parts of the house. After that everything's been perfect. He's not exactly as he was before back in March. When he used to say the sweetest things to me. But he's still such a sweety and so loving. I feel a bit foolish though. To let myself fall in love on the internet all over again. The third time! The last two times I was hurt indefinitly yet I seemed to have learned nothing. To enter such a relationship so willingly again. But the truth is I'm not happy without one. I don't know how buy Dillan picked up on this fact about me pretty fast and by himself: I love to be loved. Is it that obvious? Well whatever the case, I always thought that I like the older guys. The mature ones. But Dillan is younger than me and can be very immature at times. But he CAN be mature and I feel like no one before him has loved me as much. And immature stuff? It's not a bad thing. It brings a fun side to things, something I didn't really enjoy with mike or sam...I don't know what's to become of this love though. I know the chances of us actually meeting and going on with it is like...0.001%. The chances of him being the one to "break up" with me, is probablly 99%. The chances that we will still be together next year is 15%. Sigh. I'm going to end up having a broken heart I know. Yet I still enter into these things by just that stupid need of having someone love me. Apparently for me, the present is more important than the future. Human nature? 2:34 pm and signing off.

Lovers Can Mend It. With Sweet Loving Words.

9:34 pm. 34 is my favourite number. It seems to stalk me a little. Anyways, it did not end with Dillan even though that day he did infact forget to talk to me. I talked to him about talking to me and he said he's been going through a lot of shit in his life and it's been hard. So I just let him be. But then the next day I said hi and he didn't say anything so I guess I just felt hurt and said "Okay, you don't want to talk to me, I get it." and he just exploded at me. Saying things like "OMFG DID I SAY THAT? NO" "IM BUSY" okay. So it's basically what I guessed after all. He didn't want to talk to me. It went on for three days. He was acting totally normal, when I came in vent to talk to Zach and people like that he said hi to me like there was nothing wrong. I wasn't about to be so easy. I didn't reply. For three days he went on trying to act normal only to have me shoulder him off. On the third day though, I came on at around 2 am and started playing Gunbound with Chris. He randomly joined us. He said hi to me directly infront of the whole room. I didn't want to be all awkward so I said hello. As he played he made his apologies. After we were done we had a lengthy talk and I decided to forgive him. He was being so sweet and desperate. Then about a week later I say something to him and he was all like "I don't know I'm BOTTING" For the past week he hadn't been that actively talking to me either. So I was rather ticked. I said "fine I won't bother talking to you then" I haven't actually been able to talk to him in person since then but we've been leaving messages for each other. He's been leaving really sweet messages and I can just feel how sorry he is. In my response I basically forgave him but his response wasn't great. All he said was "I read it, every word of it." and then some little bit that had to do with something I said at the end. But it really showed nothing about what he thought about my response. I mean...I really said somethings in there that meant a lot to me. I was kind of hoping that I'd get a response from him saying he loved me and that he understands and that he wants to be with me...But it was empty. Maybe he was saving the conversation for later because he was hoping that he'd get to talk to me later? But he didn't even leave another message when he left. He usually says I love you, good night when he leaves even if I'm not there....Sigh. I don't know. Why do we always have these fights anyways? We love each other to death but we're just not compatible. We don't get along, and we don't think in the same way. All we have in common basically is that we love each other..

The Butchers Will End It. Clean, Cut and Cold.

Today was spent in complete depression. All because of Dillan. I love him but since we're apart, I keep stressing how important it is that we talk a lot to maintain a relationship. But whenever I fuss about that he says sorry, and says he'll try. He does try but that only lasts for like one day, then he goes right back to the way he was before. It's completely unprogressive at all. And yesterday I was talking to him and telling him about how much I miss him and stuff...then he says he has to leave. I get sad and make a little joke "You're leaving me? =(" in hopes that he'll say a little sweet something, but he says, "I'm sorry, I have to go." and leaves. Then I look at his away message a little later, and it says "(movie)". A movie? Did he not just say that he HAD to go? So what he means is that he'd much rather watch a movie than talk with me. Yeah, okay. Then later he comes back and joins into a group of friends I'm chatting with. I keep making slightly hostile remarks at him, and he catches on. He asks me if I'm mad about something. At first I don't really answer because I'm pretty much ticked off. But later I do. I explain about it and he completely ignores me. Doesn't even answer. So I don't say any more. When I had to get off I told the whole group I had to go and said bye. He "whispered" to me "I love you". I said "liar". All he said to that was "..." and I said "A movie is more important than me?" And once again he doesn't answer. Great love there. From all he's been doing lately, it just feels like he was really sweet to me before because he just wanted to win me over and have me for a prize or something. Now it's like now that he's got me, the glamor's gone and he doesn't want to deal with me anymore. I've suggested this to him but he says no, that he really loves me. I tried to keep believing it, but not anymore. He's on msn right now and he's not even bothering to talk to me. Sure he may not have seen me sign on, but I come home and on msn every day at basically the same time. Plus if I really loved someone and chatting on msn was the only way to connect with them AND I knew they were pissed off at me, I'd definitely keep checking to see if they came on. Whenever they entered my mind I'd check. And I did, and still do. Apparently not him. He doesn't even think about me when I'm not RIGHT infront of him. He even FORGETS about me. I'll be having a nice chat with him and he goes to do something for like 5 minutes and he comes back, but completely forgets about me and does something else on the computer. He did this a lot and I finally confronted him about it and he said "I'm sorry, I'm forgetful" Yeah, forget the person you swore was the only one you ever really truly loved? That makes a whole lot of sense. So I'm tired of all this. I'm tired of trying to make him talk: he obviously doesn't want to so why bother? I'm tired of trying to stay in love with this guy who has completely changed. I'm tired of waiting anxiously for his reply when he's infact forgotten about me and having fun doing something else. I'm not going to take this bullshit anymore. It makes me quite upset to do this but I'm just going to leave him unless he talks to me today. By himself. Without a reminder from me or anyone else. And if it's one of those completely empty conversations like "hey" "hi" things, then I'll have a talk with him, but the end will probably be the same.

Introduction

This blog will be my third blog to be made. I have made many more before but none of them quite as successful as I wished. However, now it has narrowed down to three. Three still sounds like a lot to maintain. So yes, my posts are a bit spaced apart. My first and main blog is one that is accessable to anyone I know, it is not hosted on blogger.com. Second is my dream diary, many times I have heard that dreams may hold secret or deep meanings. I have decided recently to start recording them, and certainly writing them down makes it easier to puzzle them out. This blog, as my third, will be the host of my most inner thoughts. I get a lot of my thoughts out on my public blog, but sometimes there are thoughts and feelings that I wouldn't reveal to those around me. This is not a public blog, this is a private blog. This is not listed on my profile. Only reason is that it is on the same account as my dream diary and I have already decided that I will keep myself anonymous on that one, and this blog may provide anyone from there with information about me. But by private, I don't mean "don't read", rather just hard to find.