In the End, His Happiness Is All that Matters.

9:08 am. As you can see I tried to post on here last night from my phone. I used gmail to e-mail the post here. After that testing post I started writing an actual post...but apparently the character limit is 500. So yea that didn't work out. So I wrote last time that Dillan said he wanted a break and that he was going to come back. I didn't believe him then and I was right not to. Despite what I said, I did wait for him. A big mistake. January rolled around and he was still on my mind. He gave me no thought though. Around the middle of March, he suddenly talked to me on xfire and said that I've been coming up a lot in his life. He said he would like to start talking to me more. Then he said he had to go and left. I was skeptical. But hopeful. I didn't expect him to actually keep his word and he half did half didn't. He didn't talk to me again for a couple weeks. So of course I was feeling like "great, he hasn't changed one bit." Then he talked to me a couple days ago. He doesn't seem to know what to say to me. But I can see that he wants to talk to me. However, so far I'm proving difficult. I don't want to welcome him back with open arms. I don't want to show him that I've been waiting and that I wasn't happy without him. Besides, I had someone new to obsess over. Around the time that I last posted, I started playing a game called Rappelz. On Rappelz I met Jan Peelen. I met him around the end or middle of November. At first he didn't seem like the kind of person I would get along with or be friends with. In fact, if I had met him in real life, I would not have given him a thought. I wouldn't even have noticed him, and he would not have noticed me. He's definitely not the kind of person that I would have thought I could be friends with. But online, we became friends. When I was going through the tough patch from end of November to Christmas vacation, he couldn't really support me because I hardly knew him then. I only got to know him well at the end of December and as January started. When school approached again I got very stressed. Depression had hit me again at the end of November and it was hard. The thought of going back to school just made me want to die. But he helped me through it. He text messaged me through the whole day, keeping me company. Knowing that he was there to talk to at any moment was a great comfort and I don't know how I could have gotten through those days without his support. Since that first day of school in January, I haven't gone one day without talking him. Jan's quite different from the other guys I had me before. Sam, it was just all about lust and having fun. I couldn't talk to him about anything because he didn't really care. Mike, he listened to my complaints and gave me some feedback but really, if he didn't agree with something I thought or complained about, he'd try to change me. He'd try to make me see things his way and get mad if I refused to. Dillan, he had too many problems of his own to worry about mine. If I ever talked to him about the difficulties in my life, he'd shoot me down, telling me how his life sucks so much more than mine. So I was always the listener and consoler there. But Jan, he listens to everything I have to say and gives me great feedback and always listens. He doesn't seem to have many problems in his life. He takes things as they come and makes do with it. He lives with a joy for life. He's very emotionally strong. I don't know how he does it, but he's lent me some of his strength through these months and I'm really grateful for it. Although, at first I thought Jan as one of those empty headed party guys, he proved that he is very intelligent and as much dignified as I am. He's serious when he needs to be, and when he doesn't he's happy. Of course, such a life in unimaginable to me. It seems unreal. So I can't help but wonder if he has some sorrows that he doesn't reveal. Sorrows that he pushes down and hides. I suppose it's none of my business but I would like to know. He has helped me so much that I now think that God sent him to me, as cheesy as that sounds. Jan is very religious, he's Protestant Christian. Lately since my life has taken very difficult turns, I've been looking for any source of comfort. Jan helped me see that religion can help. Although I'm not fully religious now or anything, I find myself putting a bit more faith in God than before. I've come to love him dearly, but he would never think of me this way. Well, he would, but he knows better than that so he doesn't. He's not faithfully centered on me as I like to have it and as I am to him. It's not that he's not a faithful person. Just that he knows our little relationship isn't serious and has perhaps 1% chance of pushing through this long distance. Even 1% is pushing it. He's very face to face with reality and he knows what's reasonable and what's not. Yesterday he was talking to some girl and he said to me jokingly, "you should learn from this girl, I met her an hour ago and now she's on web cam." That made me upset. For several reasons. I don't like having my actions compared to those of others. Mike did it a lot and I hated it. Mike once got mad at me for not giving him my account information right away when he asked. Of course if anyone asks you for your account information, you'd want to know what for even if you trust the person. It's just pure curiosity. But he went on to say that this other girl gave him her account information without a blink. I was like, that's her, and this is me. We're different people and if you can't handle that then you got some problems. So when Jan said this to me I said to him "I am who I am and if you don't like it, too bad." I also got upset because he was probably thinking that she was hot and that he'd do her. Not thoughts that I appreciate. But it's not like he's tied to me and obliged to me. So I can't really say anything about that But I made my mind a long time ago. He will leave me one day and it will hurt a lot. But as long as he's happy in the end, that's all that matters. My own heartbreak I can nurse and cry over, but I'll be glad that he's happy. I once talked to him about him leaving me. I said that a year from now (this was in February) he wouldn't be talking to me. That we'd have said good bye by then. He said he didn't think so. I said he'd be tired and bored with me for a while. He said he didn't think so. But he doesn't really know me yet I think. When I love someone, I love them to the end. Even long after the end actually. I'm always the one that hangs on and tries to live in the past, when everything was happy. I'm always the one that gets dumped with people that I really love. So I see a parting of ways coming soon in the future, but what can I do but to simply enjoy what time I have with him left. I just hope that when he leaves me, he'll find some perfect girl for him and have a happy and fulfilling life because in the end, his happiness is all that matters. 9:45 am and signing off.

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