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In the End, His Happiness Is All that Matters.

9:08 am. As you can see I tried to post on here last night from my phone. I used gmail to e-mail the post here. After that testing post I started writing an actual post...but apparently the character limit is 500. So yea that didn't work out. So I wrote last time that Dillan said he wanted a break and that he was going to come back. I didn't believe him then and I was right not to. Despite what I said, I did wait for him. A big mistake. January rolled around and he was still on my mind. He gave me no thought though. Around the middle of March, he suddenly talked to me on xfire and said that I've been coming up a lot in his life. He said he would like to start talking to me more. Then he said he had to go and left. I was skeptical. But hopeful. I didn't expect him to actually keep his word and he half did half didn't. He didn't talk to me again for a couple weeks. So of course I was feeling like "great, he hasn't changed one bit." Then he talked to me a couple days ago. He doesn't seem to know what to say to me. But I can see that he wants to talk to me. However, so far I'm proving difficult. I don't want to welcome him back with open arms. I don't want to show him that I've been waiting and that I wasn't happy without him. Besides, I had someone new to obsess over. Around the time that I last posted, I started playing a game called Rappelz. On Rappelz I met Jan Peelen. I met him around the end or middle of November. At first he didn't seem like the kind of person I would get along with or be friends with. In fact, if I had met him in real life, I would not have given him a thought. I wouldn't even have noticed him, and he would not have noticed me. He's definitely not the kind of person that I would have thought I could be friends with. But online, we became friends. When I was going through the tough patch from end of November to Christmas vacation, he couldn't really support me because I hardly knew him then. I only got to know him well at the end of December and as January started. When school approached again I got very stressed. Depression had hit me again at the end of November and it was hard. The thought of going back to school just made me want to die. But he helped me through it. He text messaged me through the whole day, keeping me company. Knowing that he was there to talk to at any moment was a great comfort and I don't know how I could have gotten through those days without his support. Since that first day of school in January, I haven't gone one day without talking him. Jan's quite different from the other guys I had me before. Sam, it was just all about lust and having fun. I couldn't talk to him about anything because he didn't really care. Mike, he listened to my complaints and gave me some feedback but really, if he didn't agree with something I thought or complained about, he'd try to change me. He'd try to make me see things his way and get mad if I refused to. Dillan, he had too many problems of his own to worry about mine. If I ever talked to him about the difficulties in my life, he'd shoot me down, telling me how his life sucks so much more than mine. So I was always the listener and consoler there. But Jan, he listens to everything I have to say and gives me great feedback and always listens. He doesn't seem to have many problems in his life. He takes things as they come and makes do with it. He lives with a joy for life. He's very emotionally strong. I don't know how he does it, but he's lent me some of his strength through these months and I'm really grateful for it. Although, at first I thought Jan as one of those empty headed party guys, he proved that he is very intelligent and as much dignified as I am. He's serious when he needs to be, and when he doesn't he's happy. Of course, such a life in unimaginable to me. It seems unreal. So I can't help but wonder if he has some sorrows that he doesn't reveal. Sorrows that he pushes down and hides. I suppose it's none of my business but I would like to know. He has helped me so much that I now think that God sent him to me, as cheesy as that sounds. Jan is very religious, he's Protestant Christian. Lately since my life has taken very difficult turns, I've been looking for any source of comfort. Jan helped me see that religion can help. Although I'm not fully religious now or anything, I find myself putting a bit more faith in God than before. I've come to love him dearly, but he would never think of me this way. Well, he would, but he knows better than that so he doesn't. He's not faithfully centered on me as I like to have it and as I am to him. It's not that he's not a faithful person. Just that he knows our little relationship isn't serious and has perhaps 1% chance of pushing through this long distance. Even 1% is pushing it. He's very face to face with reality and he knows what's reasonable and what's not. Yesterday he was talking to some girl and he said to me jokingly, "you should learn from this girl, I met her an hour ago and now she's on web cam." That made me upset. For several reasons. I don't like having my actions compared to those of others. Mike did it a lot and I hated it. Mike once got mad at me for not giving him my account information right away when he asked. Of course if anyone asks you for your account information, you'd want to know what for even if you trust the person. It's just pure curiosity. But he went on to say that this other girl gave him her account information without a blink. I was like, that's her, and this is me. We're different people and if you can't handle that then you got some problems. So when Jan said this to me I said to him "I am who I am and if you don't like it, too bad." I also got upset because he was probably thinking that she was hot and that he'd do her. Not thoughts that I appreciate. But it's not like he's tied to me and obliged to me. So I can't really say anything about that But I made my mind a long time ago. He will leave me one day and it will hurt a lot. But as long as he's happy in the end, that's all that matters. My own heartbreak I can nurse and cry over, but I'll be glad that he's happy. I once talked to him about him leaving me. I said that a year from now (this was in February) he wouldn't be talking to me. That we'd have said good bye by then. He said he didn't think so. I said he'd be tired and bored with me for a while. He said he didn't think so. But he doesn't really know me yet I think. When I love someone, I love them to the end. Even long after the end actually. I'm always the one that hangs on and tries to live in the past, when everything was happy. I'm always the one that gets dumped with people that I really love. So I see a parting of ways coming soon in the future, but what can I do but to simply enjoy what time I have with him left. I just hope that when he leaves me, he'll find some perfect girl for him and have a happy and fulfilling life because in the end, his happiness is all that matters. 9:45 am and signing off.

Testing

See if emailing from mobile to post on blog works

Get Over It

2:01 pm. Okay the library's been taken over by a grade 8 class. I hate it when classes come here. They're so loud. Not helping the headache much. Last entry I said I saw an end coming and yea it did. He didn't call it an end. I'll explain from the beginning. You know how I'm lik e, it's like I'm never happy with just normal situations. And yes it really appears that I didn't learn anything from my previous lessons. But apparently that's just the way I am. So I just kept getting mad at him for the littlest things. But it wasn't reall all me. He was convinced that I couldn't take his "jokes" which weren't that funny but rather insulting. I've had hims explode at me for a sarcastic or completely unserious remark as well. So what's his problem, getting mad at something that he does as well. So anyways, he said that he wanted a break from it. That we should be just really good friends for while. Well apparently, his idea of "really good friends" is not talking to me and hardly even wanting to talk to me when I start a conversation. So I just decided not to try any more. I've been brooding a lot about this. Thorooughly unhappy about the whole situation. But lately I'm just getting over it. Like, if he doesn't want to take the time to just care anymore then I'm done caring about him. Everything he said before, he was just trying to live up to it when he said that he'll still care and be friends with me. The reality is that he doesn't want to admit either to me or himself that what he said before isn't going to work out. That rather takes away any respect or esteem I could have held for him before. And his idea of really good friends is not at all appealing to me, and anyone who could call that "really good friends" is just in need of some help. Anyways, his stupid little jokes about doing stuff with other girls is just annoying. Like as if he just enjoys the effect he has by making people jealous. That just shows me that he's the kind of person who would cheat on his girlfriend. Anyways, so that's how things stand. I asked him if this "break" would ever end and he said it would but I don't believe him and I'm moving on. I refuse to just stand around and wait. I've done that enough for other people and I am not prepared to do it again. Family situation, my sister's been bugging me a lot lately. She doesn't do anything and whenever my parents talk to her about going out into the real world and getting a job or going back to school, she just breaks down and cries. Every single time. I'm really sick of watching her act like a complete baby and not doing anything but just play mmorpg games. She doesn't even have the thought that if she's not doing anything but staying at home, that she owes it to our parents to help out around the house and do some things. But no, the idea doesn't even occur to her. When my parents ask her to do something she just complains about having to do it. And she is so thoughtless in everything that she does. Like coupld days ago, my mom came home with fast food for dinner. And she just stands there, watching me take things out of the bad and opening the boxes. She should have been getting the plates or cups or even just moving the napkins to the table or something. But no, she just stands there like a dumb statue, staring at me. As soon as I'm done, she starts grabbing one and eating, leaving me to go get the plates and cups and napkins. And like two days ago, I came home from school. I walked the way so I came to the front door, and I knew she was home so I just rang the door bell. I get the mail out of the mail box and wait. She doesn't come down. I ring again and she still doesn't come down. So I had to go around to the garage and get in through there. It's not a big deal to do that, but what is the big deal is that she couldn't even bother to get up from her stupid chair. I get in and enter her room because I wondered if my mom took her out somewhere. No, she's sitting there playing her game. I ask her why the heck she didn't answer the door and she says defiantly, "I was running, if I stopped I would have died!" That just made me really angry. I am so sick and tired of watching her play her games. Yes, I know what it is like to be addicted to those games. I was addicted to it for a year and a half. But learning how to move away from it and practice will power over yourself and getting out in life...it's more important than your character dying in some game. She started the whol video game craze at the same time as me and she's still going strong on it. And she had WAY more time to play on it than me because she doesn't do anything BUT play that game all day. Finally yesterday my mom got her to hand out her resumes to hiring stores. But I will not stop being angry with her because of how she wasted over a year of her life like that and at our family's expense too. I'm also really angry with my parents. They treat us so differently I'm sick of it. When I was suffering from serious internal struggles and depression, my mom showed me no sympathy at all. She shouted at me, she hit me, she told me to get out of the house and told me that we would go to the police to officially disown me if I didn't smarten up. But now when my sister goes through her depression, my parents pamper her and leave her for a whole fucking year. Doesn't even shout at her either. The injustice of this really makes me mad and hinders me from showing her any sympathy at all. I know very well what it's like to go through those struggles. But I wasn't offered any consolement or pampering and I had to bear through the thing myself, and made it through with my will. Her lack of action just makes me sick. 2:38 pm and signing off.

The End Is Near...Or So It Seems...

8:04 pm. What is up with this thing? I have to click on the word "Title" to get the cursor on the title box...simply clicking on the box won't do. That's pretty dumb. I do like the autosave thing though. I know on my main blog I've lost a lot of posts because I accidentally moved away from the page. There's this mysterious combination of keys on the keyboard that I seem to hit by accident often and it makes my page go somewhere...I don't know what that combination is and yet I seem to hit it a lot. I can't remember where I left off with my news about Dillan before and I don't care much to check. I'm not much in the mood as my computer speed is being quite disgustingly slow. Especially with the MSN Spaces. They really should fix the loading speed problem. It's not just my computer, it's everyone! Anyways, I don't know what I'm going to do about Dillan. I do love him but it's one of those loves that will never work. The ones where you're in love but you really don't get along that well and you might as well be doomed. We don't really agree on a lot of things. And he said that we do have a lot of things in common, but when I asked "like what?" he didn't have that much to say and changed the topic rather quickly. But that was like months ago. These days just getting him to have a simple conversation with me is hard enough without serious discussions. Yesterday I was pretty pissed off because he comes back from a long absence the day before yesterday and is all like oh sorry, I missed you, I never stopped thinking about you...blah blah blah..Then yesterday he didn't even try to talk to me. So when his new guild master kept killing me in pvp I was pretty dam pissed off. I pmed him and said "Tell your guild master to fuck off." "what did he do?" "repeated killing." "you?" "No, my mom." I know it was a stupid retort but I was pissed off. Then he says "wow" and I know a "wow" from him is not a good thing. It means he thinks something is stupid or unreasonable. Anyways he's like "Wow, okay I'm off. Bye." "Bye." That was it. Yea thanks for caring that I was in a pissy mood. That's just what he does whenever things get tough. Run away. Get away. Why doesn't he ever make an effort to just try and figure things out with me. It's like he never even wants to try with me. He doesn't want to TALK to me. So all yesterday and this morning I was in a pretty sad mood. Thinking: "God there's no way he really loves me. The way he acts. He doesn't have one thought about me during the day. There's nothing in him that wishes he could talk to me or interact with me in anyway. Wait, I mean interact with me in any way other than sex. I really love him but there's no way he cares about me at all." Then in the late afternoon I finally get on. There's a message from him saying "I'm guessing you're pretty mad at me. Talk to me if you feel like it." I stared at the message for a while. He was still online. But I wasn't sure if I wanted to talk to him. But the message was more than I expected. I was expecting that he wouldn't give a shit and that he wouldn't even try and talk with me and leave me to boil in my own anger like so. I didn't talk to him right away. I did some other stuff, talked with some other people. I would have liked chris (not itsumo) to be on but he wasn't. He was gone camping. So after a little bit I said hey. He said hi. I didn't know what else to say so I didn't say anything... He says "Are you there?" "yea" Then he goes on asking me if I'm mad. I say no. It's not a lie, I wasn't angry then anymore, more like sad and disappointed. He tells me he loves me, and asks me if I love him. After all those thoughts I had, I wasn't sure if I should answer a positive to that question anymore. When I didn't answer he gave me a sad face. I didn't feel like actually saying "I do love you" then so I just said "yes" He smiled at that. I didn't say anything further. He asks me if I'm sure I'm not mad. I say yes, he says "It seems like you're mad" I don't say anything to that and he goes on to tell me the stuff I already know, that he was hurt by me snapping at him for a simple question. But he didn't understand that that wasn't what I was upset about. No, it was the fact that he didn't care enough to find out why I would be THAT mad about such a little thing, he didn't care enough to try and solve things. He just ran away from the problem. Before he could get far into his explanation I cut him off by saying "I'm not mad" That didn't stop him though. He went on to keep saying and explain. But his explanation was really something I didn't want to hear then. After a long pause I said "Why do you still love me after all this and through all this time?" He said "Why? Because I do love you. And love isn't something to be crushed so easily." I suppose the way he thinks about love and romance is one of the things that attract me most to him. That's a lot like the way I feel. And he feels like he has to protect me because I'm so delicate and fragile...I love that. That's how I always have my little fantasies. His romantic side is what made all this begin...But now I'm seeing very little of that side. He used to tell me such sweet things every day. But now I have troubles even getting him to say hi. Anyways, after he said that he said that he had to go do something for a while and he'll "bbl love. I love you" I didn't tell him I loved him. I just said "okay.." I was rather disappointed that he'd leave in the middle of a conversation like THAT. But I guess I know how it feels to be kicked off the comp when the timing's wrong...But really, he's been getting off because he "has to do something" so much lately, I'm getting rather sick of that excuse. I don't really want to hear his excuses any more. Even when his excuses do no apply, he doesn't make an effort. So why am I trying at all? I don't think our "love" is going to last much longer. Not the way this is going. And I find that although all this time I've been after Dillan and being in love with him...I've fell in love with someone else without really realizing it. But when Dillan's around or not around. All I feel is disappointment. Not much else. But when Christopher (M) is away from me I definitely feel lonely and feel like a part of me is missing. And when he does return to my side I definitely feel so much happier. Chris has never made me feel sad or disappointed. He's never hurt me. I've never had a cause to be angry at him, and he's never really been angry at me. There WAS this one time he got kinda mad at me. But even then he controlled the situation because he knew I was very distracted and distraught with something else. And after it was all over he confronted me in a very kind and gentle way about it. I love his composure and calmness. Whenever I'm upset I only need to talk to him for about five minutes and I feel so much better. He just has that effect on me...And I'm sure he's noticed that I've become a lot more attached to him lately and he probably suspects that I like him. But I know that he probably will never think of me in the same way. He's so popular with so many other girls. But when I think about it. He's exactly like me. I've asked him if he's ever had a girlfriend and he said no. I asked why and he said he was too shy to approach them or be himself around them. I'm sure if he wasn't shy he'd have had tons of girlfriends. He attracts them well enough on silkroad. But yea, he's exactly like me. I'm too shy and I'll probably never have a boyfriend. But online, I get through my shyness and boys flock to me. Like girls flock to Chris. Chris never forgets me though. Even when he's doing something else with other people (other GIRLS) he never ignores me. If I happen to come into the situation, he includes me right away. Just the same as I would with him. He's my best friend. Though I've never heard him call me so in return. But when I do proclaim to other people that he's my best friend, he always smiles at it and seems really pleased with it. But I have no way of knowing if I'm anything more than all those other girls he has around. If I'm lucky that's the way he feels about me. Unsure if I'm serious with him or not...I know it's pretty bad of me to be going on like that about Chris when my problems with Dillan still preside. But really... I don't see a hope that our love is going to last much longer. I see an end coming...8:47 pm and signing off.