Now or Never?

1:25 pm. I haven't posted in a while I know. That's one line you're sure to be hearing a lot. I can hardly keep my main updated, let alone this desolate private one. Situation with Dillan? We had a lot more fights. He even drove me once to the point of anger where that cold heat just rose up and blinded my eyes. When I get really mad that's seriously how I get. My eyes start to get those little white spots in it like as if I've been staring into a light. And my face and ears feel hot yet icy cold...It's kinda freaky and scary but that's my little temper problem. And I got so mad that I told him never to talk to me again. He said fine, he shouted and shouted and said he wouldn't. For about three weeks that's exactly how it was. I started to forget about him...Then all of the sudden I remembered him and his love. His tender and caring words of the past. I just started being in love with him all over again over those old memories. I cried so much thinking about how I lost him and I let him go...Then it was as if somehow the heavens sent him some kind of impulse or instinct. The very next day he talked to me saying he missed me. Saying he was sorry...He talked to me about how bad he felt and how much it hurt him when I told him never to talk to me again. He told me about how much he loved me and missed me. Truthfully, I was a bit skeptical. If this is the way he really feels about me, then why did he not even bother for like 3 weeks? But hearing him say that he loves me again, just having him felt so good. I just let him back in. And that first day, as good as it was, I still had a bit of skeptism. Like what was to guarentee that he wouldn't just go right back to what he was doing before: leaving me to sit there for day after day just waiting for him. I was afraid of that again. For 3 days or so everything was perfect he didn't do that again. But that didn't make me put my guard down. I know that he always is okay for about 2 or 3 days. And my fears proved right. He did go back to leaving me there...For two days. Only my fears appeared to have been for nothing. He came back after two days saying sorry he left me for so long, but that he had been helping his dad out painting and rebuilding parts of the house. After that everything's been perfect. He's not exactly as he was before back in March. When he used to say the sweetest things to me. But he's still such a sweety and so loving. I feel a bit foolish though. To let myself fall in love on the internet all over again. The third time! The last two times I was hurt indefinitly yet I seemed to have learned nothing. To enter such a relationship so willingly again. But the truth is I'm not happy without one. I don't know how buy Dillan picked up on this fact about me pretty fast and by himself: I love to be loved. Is it that obvious? Well whatever the case, I always thought that I like the older guys. The mature ones. But Dillan is younger than me and can be very immature at times. But he CAN be mature and I feel like no one before him has loved me as much. And immature stuff? It's not a bad thing. It brings a fun side to things, something I didn't really enjoy with mike or sam...I don't know what's to become of this love though. I know the chances of us actually meeting and going on with it is like...0.001%. The chances of him being the one to "break up" with me, is probablly 99%. The chances that we will still be together next year is 15%. Sigh. I'm going to end up having a broken heart I know. Yet I still enter into these things by just that stupid need of having someone love me. Apparently for me, the present is more important than the future. Human nature? 2:34 pm and signing off.