The Butchers Will End It. Clean, Cut and Cold.

Today was spent in complete depression. All because of Dillan. I love him but since we're apart, I keep stressing how important it is that we talk a lot to maintain a relationship. But whenever I fuss about that he says sorry, and says he'll try. He does try but that only lasts for like one day, then he goes right back to the way he was before. It's completely unprogressive at all. And yesterday I was talking to him and telling him about how much I miss him and stuff...then he says he has to leave. I get sad and make a little joke "You're leaving me? =(" in hopes that he'll say a little sweet something, but he says, "I'm sorry, I have to go." and leaves. Then I look at his away message a little later, and it says "(movie)". A movie? Did he not just say that he HAD to go? So what he means is that he'd much rather watch a movie than talk with me. Yeah, okay. Then later he comes back and joins into a group of friends I'm chatting with. I keep making slightly hostile remarks at him, and he catches on. He asks me if I'm mad about something. At first I don't really answer because I'm pretty much ticked off. But later I do. I explain about it and he completely ignores me. Doesn't even answer. So I don't say any more. When I had to get off I told the whole group I had to go and said bye. He "whispered" to me "I love you". I said "liar". All he said to that was "..." and I said "A movie is more important than me?" And once again he doesn't answer. Great love there. From all he's been doing lately, it just feels like he was really sweet to me before because he just wanted to win me over and have me for a prize or something. Now it's like now that he's got me, the glamor's gone and he doesn't want to deal with me anymore. I've suggested this to him but he says no, that he really loves me. I tried to keep believing it, but not anymore. He's on msn right now and he's not even bothering to talk to me. Sure he may not have seen me sign on, but I come home and on msn every day at basically the same time. Plus if I really loved someone and chatting on msn was the only way to connect with them AND I knew they were pissed off at me, I'd definitely keep checking to see if they came on. Whenever they entered my mind I'd check. And I did, and still do. Apparently not him. He doesn't even think about me when I'm not RIGHT infront of him. He even FORGETS about me. I'll be having a nice chat with him and he goes to do something for like 5 minutes and he comes back, but completely forgets about me and does something else on the computer. He did this a lot and I finally confronted him about it and he said "I'm sorry, I'm forgetful" Yeah, forget the person you swore was the only one you ever really truly loved? That makes a whole lot of sense. So I'm tired of all this. I'm tired of trying to make him talk: he obviously doesn't want to so why bother? I'm tired of trying to stay in love with this guy who has completely changed. I'm tired of waiting anxiously for his reply when he's infact forgotten about me and having fun doing something else. I'm not going to take this bullshit anymore. It makes me quite upset to do this but I'm just going to leave him unless he talks to me today. By himself. Without a reminder from me or anyone else. And if it's one of those completely empty conversations like "hey" "hi" things, then I'll have a talk with him, but the end will probably be the same.

Introduction

This blog will be my third blog to be made. I have made many more before but none of them quite as successful as I wished. However, now it has narrowed down to three. Three still sounds like a lot to maintain. So yes, my posts are a bit spaced apart. My first and main blog is one that is accessable to anyone I know, it is not hosted on blogger.com. Second is my dream diary, many times I have heard that dreams may hold secret or deep meanings. I have decided recently to start recording them, and certainly writing them down makes it easier to puzzle them out. This blog, as my third, will be the host of my most inner thoughts. I get a lot of my thoughts out on my public blog, but sometimes there are thoughts and feelings that I wouldn't reveal to those around me. This is not a public blog, this is a private blog. This is not listed on my profile. Only reason is that it is on the same account as my dream diary and I have already decided that I will keep myself anonymous on that one, and this blog may provide anyone from there with information about me. But by private, I don't mean "don't read", rather just hard to find.